Romancing the Bhaalspawn
by Sings-off-key
Summary: BG2. If I’m the only one who loads up a fistful of romance mods and plays them all at the same time, I don’t want to know! But really, haven’t you ever wondered what it would be like to be so…popular? Another silly one-shot.


**Romancing the Bhaalspawn**

"Special delivery! Special delivery! Special delivery for Kaela Bhaalspawn."

The messenger mephit bobbed up and down, its tiny wings fluttering. How the summoned outsider had passed through the wards of the elven city was a bit of a mystery to Kaela, who sat on her balcony overlooking the lovely trees of Suldanesselar. She set her teacup on the table.

"That's me," Kaela said, curiosity mingled with annoyance at the surname. The mephit blinked its large lustrous eyes. With a tiny explosion of sparkles, a package appeared in its hands. Although not particularly large, the weight of the package dragged the little creature almost to the ground.

"Who's it from?" she asked as she took the package from its talons but she knew the answer. The pink wrapping paper was a dead giveaway. With a squeak and another flurry of sparkles, the mephit disappeared. Kaela turned the package in her hand. It felt like a book. She ripped open the wrapping.

It _was_ a book. _As if I hadn't had my fill of musty old tomes at Candlekeep. Bleah_. However this book was neither musty nor old and the cover still had that new leather smell she loved so well. There was no title on the spine. The book fell open to the middle where a slim magical writing quill lay. The pages were blank. _A diary? Imoen sent me a diary all the way from Athkatla? What was she thinking?_

Kaela flipped to the first page and found a note written in a familiar hand.

**Heya, it's me, Imoen! See what I made you? Now take that sour look off your face before you freeze that way. This is no ordinary book. I have the duplicate, see, and everything you write, I can read. It's like sending me a letter only faster and better. Go on, give it a try.**

Hoping this wasn't another one of Imoen's elaborate pranks (like the exploding candy box, the stink-flower bouquet or the cursed undergarments), Kaela sat at the table, tickled her chin with the end of the quill and then wrote:

_So, is this thing really working?_

She waited. Just as she was ready to close the book and give up, letters began to form under her entry.

**Yep.**

_Really?_

**Yes, really, you bufflehead.**

_Wow, sis, you're amazing. Elminster, move over. Next time I see you, you'll be wearing the pointy hat._

**Only if it comes in pink.**

_For you, I'm sure it does. So tell me, how are things in Athkatla?_

**Hot in more ways than one. A resident Bhaalspawn mage has gotta be the city's worst nightmare. Oh, wait. That was you. I'm an anticlimax, as usual. **

_I'll have you know I did a lot of good while I was in Athkatla_.

**Yeah, sure. Tell it to the guys in the cowls. Although just the other day, one of the fellows at your thieves' guild house asked about you, so I guess somebody misses you. But say, how does it feel to have your soul back? Pretty good, huh?**

_Feels great! You missed a good fight though._

**Hope you're not still mad about that.**

_No, I can't really blame you for bugging out after we got your soul back from Bodhi. I would have done the same, believe you me. (And wasn't that awesome when Drizzt came to help us in the graveyard? Whoever thought killing a few dozen gnolls back on the Sword Coast would pay back so nicely? Isn't he about the cutest drow you've ever seen? After Solaufein, of course.)_

**They're both yummy. Is Solaufein still hanging around?**

_He sure is. He's got nowhere to go, really. He's liking the surface well enough, I think, but…_

**He and Xan getting along okay?**

_Well, there hasn't been any actual bloodshed. Yet. Mostly just snarky looks and snide comments. More about that later, okay? It gives me such a headache._

**Yeah, later. Tell me about Irenicus. Tell me you got him good.**

_I did! We had to fight all his evil minions in Suldanesselar. Even a dragon!! _

**Wow. Remember how we almost peed in our pants when we fought Firkraag?**

_Gods, how could I forget? This was a black dragon called Nixidramanii'yt and I think he was actually worse than Firkraag. Anomen finished him off, you'd have been proud._

**Not as proud as he is, I bet. I'm sure he'll tell me all about it, next time we meet. Over and over and over… **

_Aw, come on, he's not that bad._

**Not to you, maybe. **

_I thought you liked him._

**I do, I do. He's just kind of stuck on himself, that's all.**

_If you knew him better, you wouldn't say that._

**Aw, Kaela loves Anomen. Smooch, smooch.**

_Cut it out._

**Kaela and Anomen, sitting in a tree, K I S S I N G.**

_Next time I see you…you better sleep with one eye open, that's all I've got to say! Well, anyway, back to Irenicus. We had a big showdown on the Tree of Life itself. He had these creepy parasites sucking the juice out of the tree. We had to kill them and the parasite goo got all over my favorite boots. Ruined them, too—I was so mad. Queen Ellesime had a new pair made for me—you should see them, they're darling and I can walk quieter than a little mouse in them. But that came later._

_Let me tell you how I killed Jon. While he was busy doing his mumbo jumbo ritual thingy trying to become a god (Really! Some people! Using my soul to ascend, I tell you!) I used my invisibility ring, snuck right in and laid traps—all those nasty spike traps I've been toting around forever. Then I whacked him with one of my throwing daggers. It bounced off his shields but it startled him and he stepped right into the biggest trap and set them all off at once. Hahahahaha! Take that, Exile!_

**I hope he died screaming. **

_He eventually did. Unfortunately, since he was still wearing my soul, he dragged me to the Abyss with him and everyone else came along for the ride. So we were kind of dead too. Ended up in dad's old domain (long story) and it all got kind of complicated for awhile. Boy, you should have heard Anomen squawk about getting sent to the Abyss. He always thought he was headed somewhere else. _

**That's what he gets for hanging out with naughty Bhaalspawn girls! **

_Ha, ha, so amusing. But like I said, it all worked out. You'll never guess who I saw down there! Sarevok's ghost! _

**No way!**

_Yes, way. He was as big and as bad as ever. He said I dragged him there from the hells. As if! I got to kill him again too. Remember how, back in the Undercity, I drank a strength potion, snuck up behind him and stabbed him in the back? Well, I did the exact same thing again!! Gods, I wish you'd seen it. You would have laughed your socks off._

_Well, that's all the news for now. Gotta go, sweetie—these wild elves can throw a party like there's no tomorrow and I've got to finish getting dressed up. Even Xan has got a little smile on his face and I'm going to make him dance with me before he remembers that we're all doomed. _

* * *

**It's been a couple of days since I've heard from you, Kaela. You're not still partying, are you?**

_Morning, noon and night. I tell you, Imoen, it's better than Baldur's Gate after we put Sarevok out of our misery. Besides, once we leave Suldanesselar, I'm afraid we'll be splitting up and I'm not in a rush for that to happen. We've been through a lot together, you know? In fact, Valygar has already packed his bags. He's leaving tomorrow. He was tickled to death, by the way, that you've managed to turn the planar sphere into a moneymaking proposition._

**Is Valygar coming to Athkatla? Tell him to come see me and I'll give him his share.**

_I'll tell him but I think he's planning on going straight to his cabin. Honest, Imoen, he doesn't care about the gold. _

**Weird.**

_I know. He gave his share of the dragon's hoard to Queen Ellesime to help with the reconstruction of Suldanesselar! He's such a sweetie._

**He is. Well, I'm surprised he's leaving. I thought the two of you…**

_No._

**Oh, really? So all those moonlit walks and those late night chats over drinks were nothing?**

_Well…_

**Surely you didn't think I hadn't noticed.**

_At one time, I thought…but here's the thing, Imoen, apparently he has taken some kind of vow of celibacy. He's scared to death at the prospect of little Corthalas carrying on the family curse, if you know what I mean. I assured him that having kids was the _furthest _thing from my mind, seeing as how my curse tops his by a considerable amount but…well, it just seemed better that we separate._

**Wow.**

_I hate that he's leaving though._

**I bet. He's the only one of your guys that actually listens instead of yakking all the time. Speaking of Anomen, how is everyone?**

_I was afraid Anomen might head back to Athkatla too but he claims he has no pressing business at the Order. I wonder if Sir Ryan Trawl feels the same way, ha ha._

**To be honest, I suspect the Order asked Anomen to stay and keep an eye on you.**

_You're probably right. Someone's got to keep the notorious Bhaalspawn on the side of right. Besides, I know he'd worry about leaving me alone with Solaufein and Haer'Dalis—guess he's afraid they'll lead me astray! _

**Oh, ho! Would they?**

_You know, for awhile there I was living in dread we'd have a repeat of that Xan/Ajantis/Coran nonsense that caused so much strife back at the Gate…_

**As if you didn't encourage them to fight over you!**

_I did not! But anyway, it's been a real uncomfortable time for Solaufein, a drow in a city of elves. He and Haer'Dalis have been hanging out together, reading poetry and talking philosophy. They're getting to be good friends despite their differences. In fact I suspect they may end up being more than friends, if I'm reading the signs right. _

**You mean…surely not. They both have an eye for the ladies, Kaela. **

_I've got the idea they're both pretty, um, flexible that way if you know what I mean. Frankly it would be something of a relief. _

**For Anomen, maybe. **

_I do NOT encourage the guys to fight over me!_

**And you don't exactly discourage it.**

_Humph._

* * *

**Kaela, Kaela, pick up the pen! Are you okay? We've been hearing the wildest rumors! They say that Bhaalspawn are raising armies and marching across the land. I've had to shut down the sphere and go into hiding. Anyone suspected of being a Bhaalspawn is being run out of town.**

_You're not going to believe what happened. _

**What!?**

_We got kicked out of Suldanesselar. That's gratitude for you._

**What are you going to do?**

_Queen Ellesime sent us to the Forest of Tethir to consult with some old talking statues about the prophecy. I think it's just an excuse to get rid of us. We're camping in the forest right now. Oh, how I miss Valygar! None of us can hunt worth a damn and we're living off trail food. Haer'Dalis says his feet hurt. _My _feet hurt. Xan says we're all doomed. I'm beginning to think he's right._

**Talking statues, huh? Sheesh. Well, at least you're safe for now.**

_Yeah, no one can find us here. But you said you're in hiding too?_

**Yep. Your old buddy Aran Linvail is putting me up for awhile.**

_Watch yourself with him, okay? He didn't get to be the Shadowmaster by being a nice guy._

**Yeah, yeah, thanks, grandma, for your wise words.**

_I'm just saying._

**Consider me warned. Well, tell me your news. How are Solaufein and Haer'Dalis getting along? Are they off being flexible—together?**

_Well…not exactly like I thought._

**Meaning?**

_They came to me and propositioned me. Um, together._

**??**

_That's pretty much my reaction._

**So what did you tell them?**

_Um. _

**What??**

_I said I'd think about it._

**??**

_Oh, come on, Imoen. If you saw them together…you'd think about it, too. One so dark, one so fair, and they both have such beautiful eyes…and voices…_

**And the ears. Let's not forget the ears. Poor Anomen must be having a fit. **

_Yeah, well, if he knew, he would. Besides, we're just friends._

**Does **_**he**_** know that?**

_Well, sure. I think so. He did give me a flower the other day but it's just that he's a knight, you know, and he thinks he has to do that kind of thing. I'm guessing he read some of the same books we did when we were kids. The last thing I want to do is hurt his feelings._

**Bufflehead.**

_That's not very nice. He's really very sweet._

**I was talking about you.**

_But I really like him, Imoen. And, well, not to be all crass about it, but with Valygar gone he's the only guy I can put in the front line._

**I hope you know what you're doing.**

_So do I._

* * *

_You will never, ever, EVER guess what happened._

**Tell me.**

_Guess._

**Don't make me hunt you down and hurt you, Kaela. Tell me!**

_I'm back in the Abyss._

**No way.**

_Yes, way. And you will never, ever, EVER guess who's with me. Go on. Guess._

**Bhaal.**

_If he was alive, you and I would be the first to know._

**Drizzt.**

_I wish._

**Elminster and his pipe.**

_You wish. Sarevok._

**Liar.**

_Cross my heart and hope to ascend to godhood. He's here. He's alive again. And he wants to join with me. What should I do? What Should I DO??_

**That's easy. Kill him again.**

_It's not that easy._

**It really is.**

_No. I'm telling you, this whole prophecy business has got me scared silly and he knows that stuff better than anyone. He's got a part to play in this, too. I just feel it. And besides…I feel sorry for him._

**Oh, gods. Kaela, you big goof!**

_Anyway, he told me about a portal but he says it will take us to Saradush. That's where my 'destiny' leads, apparently. So we're off in the morning. Wish us luck._

**Yeah, well, put him in the front line, armor optional, and watch your back. At least there's one thing I don't have to worry about—he won't be one of your little harem.**

_My little—oh, please._

**Even you won't play kissy face with your own brother. **

_You are so…_

**Right. I am so right.**

_Well, if you want to get all technical about it, he's not really my brother now. He's not a Bhaalspawn anymore._

**So what?**

_And he admires me, too. He respects me for killing him. And when he takes his shirt off—wow! He could pose for a statue. I think…he could be the one, Imoen._

**??**

_Did you have something to say? All I'm seeing is a big smear of ink. Did you break your magic quill?_

**That does it. You're going to Saradush? **_**I'm**_** going to Saradush if it kills me. You've totally and completely lost your mind.**

_Hahahahahaha! After all the practical jokes you've played on me over the years, I can't believe you finally fell for one of mine! Gotchya Immy!_

**Oh.**

_Hahaha! Sucker._

**So you're not in the Abyss. And there is no Sarevok. You were kidding. Right?**

_Well…I am in the Abyss. And I did resurrect Sarevok. And he does have a spectacular body. But I was kidding about the rest!_

**Oh. Oh dear. Oh dear, oh dear.**

_You have nothing to worry about. Really!_

**If I had a copper for every time you've said that…**


End file.
